i haven't

its been more then 1 month almost near to 2 months..
things been running in my brain everyday n guessing the meaning behind it..
i tot i could get over it easily then previous same incident..
din noe it will end up lik now..
aft the 'SAM' incident, i had one angry depress week..
til i cut my hair short which help me a lil..
then took a week to think how i wan the thing goes..
it was uncomfortable between the time i had b4 i went back msia for a week
i took alot of encourage to send him msg
asking him to react normal in front of me and wish to return back b4 the incident happened
he did not reply me..
i start feel ignore when i got to noe everything about him thru bout ppl
why have to b lik this??
when i heard it, shall i feel great or irritate??
day by day passed, i found i start to hate listening bout any news regards u..
i don find it interesting anymore
as the story thr does not include me
im pretty confuse the way he respond when i was away
i heard everything bout mentioning my name out of sudden..
if our relation cant start then i hope he could stop gving this kind of joke around
tats reli not funny, it make me feel worst..
'TEK SENG' took almost 4 years to reli let everything go n back to normal..
aft all the hope n care he gvn to me..
n tell myself, 'SAM' will onli take ever less as he nvr gv any hope n care of me
btw i hv knew im not the piece of cake he prefer.
i reli wish i could forget or get over it as soon as i could
n live normally, but it does not allow me
thr's alwis some1 remind me of him n the 'SAM' incident..
to those who reli wish i could live better then now,
they should stop mention his name or recall back all the memories i had with him..
i don ever wan to hear his name any more..

the day aft incident..

i wake up a few times today..
almost every 2 hours i woke up
cant reli slp
its reli rlei bother me..
i woke up early going out wit cheng to douby ghaut then she return to work
i cont going to bras basah
reached hotel reli early before 2pm
i saw him, i proposely wlaked slowly.. make sure he enter the lift 1st
but=.= he stop n ans the call..
the most we talk today is onli 2 times
n not muc
chef kim worried n came over to talk with me
he try to comfort me
but i don reli understand but i knew he meant good..
trying to act like nth.

will not forget

it was normal day til i cant control myself..
i told him.. i believe he knew it earlier..
4 years ago, i told it to tek seng,
4 years later i mention it to another guy..
n the same result out..
i knew it, no matter how hard i hv tried..
im still the same..
ppl will oli apprieciete the way i work
but not my personal..
its alwis happen, the person u fall in love will nvr respond back the same.
n i will cont to act stronger in front every1..
but no1 know how tired i am..
being strong alone..
i chase him away aft i know he ans frm him..
im so evil..
i know i should keep it silent..
at least, the condition will not as bad as now..
i know the ans frm my 6th sense..
but lik alwis, i wan to listen frm my own ears..
making my heart break totally.
im reli sorry for the misbehave..
its reli a shame of wat i did..
i shouldnt go at 1st..
i betray the trust my family on me..
not being take care of myself..
im sorry..
im reli sorry of it..
if time could return back, i wish i will nvr know him..
n tis will not happened..
being a normal person is not tat easy..
getting married, having a loving husband n a pair of children..
it sound so simple,, but it isnt
mayb im lik wat my sis alwis said..
a dreamer.. day dreaming..
i do believe,, if we keep on trusting on something..miracle
it will happened one day
god will see it..how kind a heart could b

i hv not idea how long it takes for me to recover....
wat will happend to me aft this incident..
i jz hope ppl will treat lik nth happen,
i could treat lik nth..
im reli reli sorry,
i should good enuff controling myself
not spoilt any1 mood tonite..
not making any1 worry about..
i shouldnt..
im reli sorry, regret

i will make an effort to move on
n leave this place..
i dont want him leave,
i reli donwan..
i donwan to influnce or force him..
jesslyne is a strong ppl aft tek seng in cident
will b stronger aft this as well
i will
i mean it
i don need any1 in my life
i could do it myself..
i could arrange my own life,
i could depend on myself..
i could take care of myself n my family
i will do it all by myself,,,

sean jz agree wit my status in fb,
"sometime no matter how hard hv tried, when doesnt belong, it will not belong.."
i use to said, as long as i hv tried my best..
or as long as i choose myself the road i want walked
i will not regret of it
but who know i alwis regret the step i take..
i wish im smart enuff to make desicion
not a stupid idiot woman here
i don hv to depend any1'
i could learn independance
im stronger
im more realistic
more mature
im jz not great enuff

seriously, i wish i hv some1 beside now
that i could hug n cry non stop
no words no comfort..
jz let me go
sometime its reli torture to b alone
the loneliness could not b descride


i should stop now, or i will nvr stop..
hope i could handle it again..
thx for gving me this road,,

feel like writing

seriously i donnoe wat topic i wana write this time..
just wana to write something suddenly..
mayb something in the heart wana to voice but nowhere to..
recently i told myself not to think of them..
jz concentrate on myself b4 i could manage others..
heard of so muc from others mouth but not from him..
but today, today he come over tell me bout it..
i dare not to look at him..
i keep on thinking..
its this the correct person, correct ans..

reaction of mixture feeling

its been few days im back from my leave..
its weird how it feel..
i heard alot,think alot,n listen alot..
i din talk muc, as i donwan to speak any..
tat kind of feel donwan to talk n jz wana to listen is back..
am i tired of talking?? or i jz wan to listen frm every1??
it seem lik every1 is bz wit their own life??
ppl seem to forget the not obvious person in this world
the worst, ppl seem ignore..
really veli unhapi wit this kind of feeling..
keep on telling myself not to think so muc.
even today we sit in the same office jz side by side..
i donnoe how should i start the conversation..
1st time we been keep silent when alone..
the more we talk the more i feel uncomfortable..link to nowhere that i should..
understand something in the world could not b force..
but to jz gv up, isnt lik me..
this time, its lik 2nd tek seng inccident happen again..
the diff is diff place, diff character..
should same ending as well..
recently i think of alot pharses out..
but din write it out..
eventually, no1 will care wats it is, how it is, ...

2nd day back ipoh-11th march 2011

since ytd i slpt late, today i oso wake up late..hehe
i would said today its a rainning day..
noon it was rainning..at night as well..
wat have i did today??
i went out to tesco to buy something..
like hangers to my clothes, mirror for me to make up..
some make up accessories that i need.
then went home to drop all the food n items we bought..
aft a while, me n mum went out to ah ming sifu's place..
ermm, actually during cny i planned to ask him something..
it may sound funny tat i would trust wat he said..
but i do, mayb it do comfort myself wherever im lost..
this time, he said im ok thru out the year..
jz ndto take care of my meal..less spicy sour and cold food..
career, sure will hv promotion n increase of salary..
i did ask whether its a suitable year for me to study..
i could study til im 28years old..
tats wat he mention..
i do hv alot "siao ren", i do believe so..
ask about staying wt another rabbit hows tat..
he gvn me some advices..i reli hope nth muc happened..
of cz in front mum i din ask bout my love life..
however mum asked for me..
he mention i will get marry when i reached 28 years old..
when im 33years old i will blame my partner for disablity in life..
which i bellieve i will, as im quite demanding..
thru the years i will hv short term love..
he donwan to said muc on it..
as he scare i will refer it to wat i hv..
aft i back home, i keep on thinking whether i should confront it..
no matter its my life partner or not..
as long as i did it b4..
and as alwis i said, dont regret with wat have done..
he oso mention this year im reli emo n confuse with wat i wan..
seem quite true, i reli donnoe how should i walk the road now..
anyway aft dinner at home, i start do facial for elder sis..
then my turn..
of cz i know tomolo i will not have muc time..so i start to do my nail polish le..
suddenly feel abit bored..
reli wan to find some1 to talk with..
but donnoe who i wana chat with..
sometime, i think..
its tat difficult to get some1 accompany along the road of life??
its tat true wat i heard that im too naive??
believe in fairy tale??
believe in true love?
n i alwis ask when is my turn to find this mr right?

1st day back ipoh-10th march 2011

this morning just reach ipoh..
did nth much then had a breakfast then went home take a nap n cont my lunch outside n sleep again later on..
at night went out with siew lon, as both of us too silly nth to do..
so we went out yum cha..
reached home plan to cont finish my drama..
have no idea with my itchy hands n fingers..
oledi in my mind not to post any update in facebook..
but keep on n on updating myself..
haiz..
the end still post some status hints how miss i am to him..
nvr la..the worst things i did was i view chee hong profile again..
=.=" donnoe why the hand will type his name on the search column..
donnoe reli wat make me view his profile the second time..
i noe everytime i view it, i sure feel uncomfortable n sad..
n i will start think alot of nonsense..
this reli cross my mind..
if tat time i manage to get into UUM..
we manage to meet up again thr..
how would everything be??
will he scare n come over to confront me??
how will he react when see me??
will he spread rumors?
if one day he saw me, wat his respond??
will he still rmb me??
its pretty sad with all this wonders in mind..
its reli silly still thinking of him "chin yan'
but i cant stop it..
like the rest of them, i cant stop recalled back all the past we spent..
the worst i still wonder if we din end wat will tat b??
ah mun ah mun, wake up la!!!!!