more then a month

is been long time i din on9 n writ emy blog le..
theres few time i wish to write but time doesnt allow..
many things happened to me..
many things has change..
i wish to hide, i wish to return back..
but time doesnt do so..
b4 i go back to ipoh,
i oledi change..
im no more lik last time..
i got many things to reconsider..
many things force me..
i hv try to change..
but cant..i hate myself
at work..
no matter hw hard to do, i cant complte my job, done the best i can..
everyday i wil mess up sumthing, i din bring my heart to work..
i cant reli concentrate no matter how hard i try..
i doesnt present myself the best i could..
im droping..droping to a place i oso not sure where it wil be..
i tot of resigning n go back home..
throw everything back
but it doesnt who i am who away run away..
im watching a drama name"ka hau yu yuan"
tats a character name " yun so chao"
i feel i kind of her..
i alwis mess things up..
not sure wat i wan, look lik pity from outside..
i try to cover all i donwan ppl to see..
i don hv " guan ka chai"
i don hv "lin B"
i don hv i don hv..
i donnoe wat i hv..
im living alone in my own world..
tats one day iz ask me to station 2 n sit down wt her n chat wt her..
she noe tats sumthing wrong wt me..
i oso noe tat..
but the problem at where i oso donnoe..
am i too tired..
am i too stress..
am i think too muc..
am i am i??
she wish to see the jesslyne she noe at 1st..
i oso wish too..
but i donnoe where to find back the jesslyne tat energitic, positive, hapi..
im tired everyday, im angry everyday, im boring everyday..
i wan to talk wt sum1 but i donnoe who i can look for..
i wish to share wat i experinced but to who i should share wt..
suddenly feel of soing to genting alone..
go thr n freezy myself..
go thr find my frenz..
tat day when i go back i saw a fren-ah fai..
the one i noe at genting palace, the cook..
he came here n work..
but he seem cant recognice me..
he is the one who sayang me alot, introdunce me to a better restaurant..
hemm..i think mayb he forget me le..
i start to hate many ppl..
i start to keep everything inside myself..
i start to talk less..
i start to stay alone..
i start to anti social..
sumthing is wrong wit me..
but i donnoe wats tat..
i oso fooling ppl's feeling..
i noe reave lik me..
whenever i alone, n boring..
i wil make him accompany me..
i noe this may lead gving him a hope..
but i noe i don lik him..
as fren i don mind but not as couple..
another guy name kok soon..
he's quite nice..look gentle n honest..
i ever think of asking him to be my bf..
am i so desperate??
no iam not..
tats not me..
me n eddie getting worst..
tat day when i back to grandma's home..
i accidentally wait til the time tat may cruse the same bus wt him..
i sit at the bus stop for half an hour to wait the time come..
but at last i din meet him at the bus..
fate doesnt mean us to meet..
christmas coming..
i love christmas alot..
but i cant feel the christmas feel as usual..
wat i feel of is i feel so suffer..
i donnoe why..
i wish to cry but cant..
after i cry i may feel better..
but cant..
i feel tat im b coming more n more irratating..
useless...
i hate my self..
i hate n hate n hate..
i miss all my ex bf..
even sum doesnt good too me..hurt me..
but..i think i feel better tat time..
sumtime don feel lik going home..
wish to sit alone at a chair or at the garden..
got one day, i reli reli sad..
i go n tell geo tat i wan resign..
the 1st time i said i wan resign, no matter last time hw stress i am..
then i ask sunny wheher he free..
i ask leong whether he free n accompany for a drink..
i din ask geo cz i hv been troubling him so muc..
sunny tell he meeting his frens..
leong tell he working tomolo n got to go home le..
elbert on leave..
i feel i kind of wt nth in this world..
tat time is 11pm i finished work..
i reach at bus stop at 1145pm lik tat..
suddenly i drop a few tears..
i feel im so cham..
so alone, no1 care me le..no1 wan me le..
i veli scare..
when i go up to the bus..
i look at the window my tears still coming out..
wish to sit alone n look at the sky, cry n cry..
try many things to make myself to cry but still cant..
leaving in a world of myself