last blog of 2008..

today is 31st of dec 2008...
the last date of dec..
i wasnt hapi today..
even i try my best to control n let myself to be hapier..
but things doesnt working..
i don wish to cross my end of the year lik tat..
but everything doesnt help me to do so..
i hate hate hate hate now..
am i easy to bully?
tats y im the victim?
will they ever consider my feeling???
will ever they stand on myself side n care of me???
why should i care them so muc??
who am i to them???
when they nd sum1, here come to me..
should i learn to said no then being the yes gal??
im working split stiff today..
i don mind..i should in hostess today..
but i was being told tat dinner there's 3 hostess..
they doesnt need me thr..
but i need to cover the hostess to go break..
wats tat mean??
u said u got so many hostess, then y still nd me to cover since u got enuff power thr??
then throw me to floor..
i should end at 8pm..
kiasi, kiasu, ask me to stay till 11pm,
reason help up n could count down together..
nvr ask me, put my stiff from 630 to 11pm at floor..
i could do anything where they wan to put me..
either floor or hostess..
but my time to company is only 8hours..
after tats my own time, if i wan to work more or not,
is as i lik, but this doesnt seem lik wat happening..
is bcz everything i said yes, nvr reject mean i will alwis ok or they are taking advantage??
i pretend not to realise it..
they ask me to stya till 11pm..
ok fine i will stay even i noe is not bz..
doesnt nd tat muc of staff anyway..
thr's many excuses being gvn..
is prove tats not bz..
told me tat if i wan to back i can back..
mean what??
u doesnt nd me anymore??
wan me to go back??
wats tat mean le??
u nd me then i stay no then go home..
today is eve of new year..
if let said my frenz date me out tonite..
but i tot i was working till 11pm..
i rejected the request..
then how le??
not onli tat..
once i go up..
nth was done..
still ask me y i dress lik tat??
dont u see the floor plan..
trying to tease me or wat??
im thr, every1 gone, gone for dinner..
im alone settle the buffet,
din u even plan send sum1 for earlier break..
since is enuff staff..
every1 bz taking pic..the menu wasnt done by me..
how i noe where it should be..
i nd to ans the pho.
do food tags..
then how??
if din finished who help me??
after finished from break, din even ask whether i settle the buffet,
gone to take pic oso..
is it tat nice the buffet??
tat shit dress damn big, argh!!
every1 was laughing...
im so angry..wats tat..
feel tat im kind lik a ball..
being throw to everyplace where nded..
tats the bad way of thinking..
in the good way, said i capable,
can go any place..
if im reli tat capable then promote me lo
any discussion let me noe lo..
but this even involve me..
i'll alwis the left out..
i reli reli upsad..
when i joined, we add every1 as team members..
as family member.. we r in a team..
but it don seem as,is jz each using each..
playing, fooling around..
im so tired..
feel lik going home..
in actually i don reli nd to be tat suffer for life..
why should i??
tat day elbert said i bring geo to balcony..
bring geo to drink..
seem lik i force geo even i noe he shouldnt take alcohol..
wats tat mean??
im so so so bad till spoilt ppl's health??
im sure a evil to destroy everything..
im a disaster??
im so cheap tat every single tat i do, i went out wit a guy..
mean i simply social wit guys??
i still remember..
tats a manager said this phares b4..
" look at her, oso noe she not virgin la"
i virgin or not is not ur matter..
but wat u said make bad impressure to me..
ppl being so irritating..
argh..

more then a month

is been long time i din on9 n writ emy blog le..
theres few time i wish to write but time doesnt allow..
many things happened to me..
many things has change..
i wish to hide, i wish to return back..
but time doesnt do so..
b4 i go back to ipoh,
i oledi change..
im no more lik last time..
i got many things to reconsider..
many things force me..
i hv try to change..
but cant..i hate myself
at work..
no matter hw hard to do, i cant complte my job, done the best i can..
everyday i wil mess up sumthing, i din bring my heart to work..
i cant reli concentrate no matter how hard i try..
i doesnt present myself the best i could..
im droping..droping to a place i oso not sure where it wil be..
i tot of resigning n go back home..
throw everything back
but it doesnt who i am who away run away..
im watching a drama name"ka hau yu yuan"
tats a character name " yun so chao"
i feel i kind of her..
i alwis mess things up..
not sure wat i wan, look lik pity from outside..
i try to cover all i donwan ppl to see..
i don hv " guan ka chai"
i don hv "lin B"
i don hv i don hv..
i donnoe wat i hv..
im living alone in my own world..
tats one day iz ask me to station 2 n sit down wt her n chat wt her..
she noe tats sumthing wrong wt me..
i oso noe tat..
but the problem at where i oso donnoe..
am i too tired..
am i too stress..
am i think too muc..
am i am i??
she wish to see the jesslyne she noe at 1st..
i oso wish too..
but i donnoe where to find back the jesslyne tat energitic, positive, hapi..
im tired everyday, im angry everyday, im boring everyday..
i wan to talk wt sum1 but i donnoe who i can look for..
i wish to share wat i experinced but to who i should share wt..
suddenly feel of soing to genting alone..
go thr n freezy myself..
go thr find my frenz..
tat day when i go back i saw a fren-ah fai..
the one i noe at genting palace, the cook..
he came here n work..
but he seem cant recognice me..
he is the one who sayang me alot, introdunce me to a better restaurant..
hemm..i think mayb he forget me le..
i start to hate many ppl..
i start to keep everything inside myself..
i start to talk less..
i start to stay alone..
i start to anti social..
sumthing is wrong wit me..
but i donnoe wats tat..
i oso fooling ppl's feeling..
i noe reave lik me..
whenever i alone, n boring..
i wil make him accompany me..
i noe this may lead gving him a hope..
but i noe i don lik him..
as fren i don mind but not as couple..
another guy name kok soon..
he's quite nice..look gentle n honest..
i ever think of asking him to be my bf..
am i so desperate??
no iam not..
tats not me..
me n eddie getting worst..
tat day when i back to grandma's home..
i accidentally wait til the time tat may cruse the same bus wt him..
i sit at the bus stop for half an hour to wait the time come..
but at last i din meet him at the bus..
fate doesnt mean us to meet..
christmas coming..
i love christmas alot..
but i cant feel the christmas feel as usual..
wat i feel of is i feel so suffer..
i donnoe why..
i wish to cry but cant..
after i cry i may feel better..
but cant..
i feel tat im b coming more n more irratating..
useless...
i hate my self..
i hate n hate n hate..
i miss all my ex bf..
even sum doesnt good too me..hurt me..
but..i think i feel better tat time..
sumtime don feel lik going home..
wish to sit alone at a chair or at the garden..
got one day, i reli reli sad..
i go n tell geo tat i wan resign..
the 1st time i said i wan resign, no matter last time hw stress i am..
then i ask sunny wheher he free..
i ask leong whether he free n accompany for a drink..
i din ask geo cz i hv been troubling him so muc..
sunny tell he meeting his frens..
leong tell he working tomolo n got to go home le..
elbert on leave..
i feel i kind of wt nth in this world..
tat time is 11pm i finished work..
i reach at bus stop at 1145pm lik tat..
suddenly i drop a few tears..
i feel im so cham..
so alone, no1 care me le..no1 wan me le..
i veli scare..
when i go up to the bus..
i look at the window my tears still coming out..
wish to sit alone n look at the sky, cry n cry..
try many things to make myself to cry but still cant..
leaving in a world of myself