nakamura

the man tat i love b4..
the man i hate so muc..
the last relation i had wt..
the man tat make me feel being fool..
the man left me..
the man tat doesnt trust how i reli am..
the man i din drop a single tear after break..
i met him yesterday as he ask me out..
reli not sure whether to meet him back..
after break up, this will be the 1st time we met up..
but at last i make the decision to met him at orchard's mrt..
b4 the day of meeting him..
i did alot of things..
wat he complainted about me when we together..
i try to gv the best impression to him..
no idea why i do so..
when the time come near n near..
i feel nervous n without direction..
wonder wat should i do n said when i meet him..
we were quiet at 1st..but then were better..
after a dinner at wisma republic..
we went for a walk around orchard..
then at last i suggest to hv a drink..
during the drink we start to talk alot..more personal..
he doesnt change lik last time..so caring n gentle..
told bout wat he is doing n where working..
asking wat had happened to me..
talking about the songs..
the change we have, how we are last time..
alot....
at last we go home then he insist to send me home..
til i reach my flat lift onli he go back..
cz all the way i ask him to go home without sending me home..
i believe he worry i cant reach home cz drunk..
but i still ok de..


anyway he told me he doesnt start any relation after me..
he said he wan to settle down..
he wan to get a stable life now..
how i hv changed..

n i could he reli got a change then the past..
ermm..

12th april

today is easter day..
not to say in oscars was bz,..
anyhow i feel i do hate him..
but sumtime i will sercetly look at him..
i noe he reli reli don lik to see me anywhere..
wherever i am he wil go another place..
so sad of tat..
another case was me n another guy..
he admire tat he lik me..
but this shouldnt happen
as i promise myself from the begginning..
i wil nvr be ppl's third party..
tats one of the point..
another was i don think i lik him..
i donwan wat happened to JJ will happened to him as well..
reli sad wat i did to JJ..
but recent he keep on ask me whether i hate to be fren wt him or even look at him..
i don reli mean tat..
but jz tat i donnoe how to comfront him..
summore one of my team member lik to relate us together..
speard rumors..so irritating..
beside tat today kok leong seache me n chat..
he ask me out for dinner on tue..
i wonder so long but i still donnoe whether to meet him anot..
so sien..
i lost the gal n guy chain..
the one i bought to gv eddie one of it but din do so..
i lost on the day i ask yang to take my hp thru calling him..

recently i could feel thr's these 3person veli concern of me..
which is elbert, geo and sunny..
mostly sunny noe muc wat happened to me
hemm..elbert keep on ask me wat happened to me..
but i cant n donnoe how to let him noe it..
anyway i still got many things tat i nd to consider n i donnoe how tosettle..
i don wish to tell everything to ppl anymore especially my secrets..
i believe not everything could jz open mouth n say out now..
hemm..pretty tired as after work i went n hv a jog today..
on thur i may go out wt patrick, chee kin n yang and mayb john wong as well..
they planning,i still wonder whether join or not..

8th apr

im not feeling well today..
so din go to work during morning..
after visit doc i went a walk at amk hub..
but wat i wan to say is from yesterday i hv felt not rite..
flu, headache n abit fever..
i hv a chat wt kok leong..
i unblock him at msn..donnoe why..
i find khye chuan n tell him wat had happened..
i forgot about wat i told last time..
n now he back to it again..some kind of it..
he is one of my nice good fren..i don which it happened again..
hemm..
beside tat, on sun i bought sumthing..
i told sunny..
he kind of angry,abit..
he urge me not to take it again..
or else he will knead me..
anyway i reli donnoe why i take it..

after i back from leave worked mid the 1st few days,
after tat i din saw him on9 to chat wt him til now..
donnoe wat had happened to him..
everytime on9, i will check whether he is here anot..
but everytime he's not in..

tomolo im going to meet cheng n bang..
i date cheng to queentown..
but after discuss wit bang..
we decide to stay at town..
try to let cheng noe..
but cant get thru her whole day..
donnoe wat happened to her..
as me n bang planned to celebrate cheng's belated bday..
cheng doesnt noe bang will be thr as well..
but me n bang will meet 1st..
..lol..
cheng jz call me said she forget to bring her hp out..
she will decide n let me noe when to meet tomolo b4 i finish work..
^^
sister gathering tomolo ..
long time din gather all together..
so hard as we nd to work n working hours..
^^

7th april

today i work morning..
veli tired..as yesterday i slept veli late due to go out wt frenz..
this morning summore i at hostess..
reli reli stress n dizzy during morning..
mayb cause long time not at hostess..
peter ask me those tat i donnoe..
hemmm...when i reach this morning at canteen..
i sat wt the chef as thr's no1..
din noe he oso work as well..
when he reach, tats a seat beside me..
he choose to sit at other tbl...
reli angry bout his attitude..

breakfast n lunch was so bz but after 2pm all was slow down..
voen said wan to go eat waffle but i don feel of going..
at last i din join n went to buy my blush n go home..
while waiting bus i saw the cold kitchen aunty..
we take the same bus..
reach home i still ok de..
but donnoe why now i sick le..
mayb i took cold bath n recently weather not good..
i oso din take care health..
the earliest even call to say im mc..
i called at 1030pm lik tat..

4th april

yesterday was hin leong's bday..
i do chat wt him awhile today..
i was same shift wt leong yesterday..
still the same he don look at me..
he don smile at me..
when i enter to canteen, he was sitiing wt his frenz..
i believe he saw me n he left..
but i make a move n sms him..
whether he hate to see me??
wat i received is he said im the one hate to see him..
is not hate is scare,
he look so fierce, the 1st nite when working mid wt him..
he reli scare me..
summore i don wish he hv second tot of us..
jz wish to cont be fren wt him onli..
but he seem don und tat..
he call me dear..
he's so sturborn keep mention the name..
do i make a wrong move?
as i should keep things the same way..

reeve as well..
i feel so soli to reeve..
i feel i treat him so bad..
misuse him..
but he seem nvr angry bout tat..
sumtime he oso advised me..
recently scare to get close to him..
as elbert n geo will make fun of us in front of me..
i don wan gv any hope or misunderstand to any1..
as i oso donnoe wat i wan n feel so..
donwan to be unfair..
i sms reeve as well yesterday, telling him im soli to him..
he ask whether im mad, asking am i irritating to him..
he still could joke wt me..
i reli donnoe wat i could do then saying soli to every1..

gan

after working mid wt him a few nite..
i could said he reli don lik seeing me..
che wui ask me to hv supper wt them..
when i go in, a quick one he finish n went out..
n wasnt bz outside..
doesnt wana to talk to me..
whenever they are talking, n they include me in..
he will jz silent..

after tat few nite, i found tat many of the song he heard i do heard b4 while not muc ppl do so..
however tat doesnt mean anything anymore..
i wish i could work mid wt him last time..
so tat i could hv more time to noe him..
but now i feel so..
working in the same shitf wt him reli feel difficult..
dare not to speak a word more, dare not to enter kitchen,dare not to look in,dare not to cross by..reli don enjoy it lik tat..

without words

i think of many things today..
alot n many different things..
so tired n moody now..
kind of weird after tat i cant descride how i feel in words...
but all over is not a wonderful, great feel of it..
i start to hate myself..
think back wat i hv did n done..so irritated myself..
i could feel a num of ppl dislike my appear..
is due to my disability at work n being a human..
i bcome more n more useless..
done sumthing i shouldnt hv make it..
if time could turn back, i wish i could change it...
being a human is such tiring..
i try to enjoy the life but it seem hard for me now..
i try to be angel n nice to every1 but i couldnt do so anymore..
thats no more pure sincere on it anymore..
i did it as its my job n beinng ask to..
no more extra mile going on..


i wish i could see him..
i wish i could let him noe tat im still here..
i wish i could get a hug from him..
i wish i could return to the past..
i wish to be protected by u as usual..
i wish i could hear ur voice..
i wish i can cry..
i wish i noe wat is missing on mine..
i wish i noe wat to do..